iHate Who I've Become
by CindyKay618
Summary: Pressed for money, Spencer enters the 'adult film' industry and becomes paranoid of everyone and everything around him. Does anyone know his secret? How and why did he start in the business? Please read! Oh, and ideas and reviews are nice!
1. Under Voyeuristic Eyes

**iHate Who I've Become  
Chapter 1: ****Under Voyeuristic Eyes**

_The hot water can temporarily relax away your stress, and can somewhat wash away the stench and evidence of the day's work, but will never get rid of your disgust and hatred of yourself rooted deep within your soul._

Spencer Shay stood under a chrome-finished shower head, hot water raining down on the back of his head and back. The temperature of the water was a lot hotter than he was comfortable with, but just stood there as the scalding water stung his skin. He knew that his back, and the rest of his body, would be beet red by the time he stepped out, but he just didn't care anymore. He simply stood in the small stall, staring down at his feet, without movement.

After taking a deep breath, Spencer reached for a small ledge on the right side of the stall, fully stocked with things like shampoo, conditioner, soap, body wash, and the like. He hated using the cleaning products here; he hated using anything in this room in general, but he needed to try and clean himself. He would be heading home soon, and there was no way in Hell that he would ride on a bus and walk around his apartment building reeking of sweat and pure sex.

He lathered his long brunette hair and rinsed it as quickly as possible. He knew they were watching him. Slowly, he looked into the showerhead so the water was stinging at his cheeks and forehead. Taking both hands, he wiped his face and rubbed his eyes before reaching straight out and turning the dial all the way to the right so the flow of water stopped.

Spencer stepped out of the shower onto a once-fuzzy blue bathmat. It was old, and really needed to be thrown in the washing machine. Regardless of how many cycles it went through, though, he knew it wouldn't be able to get out all the stains that were within the fabric's fibers. He finally put his head up and looked around the room after wrapping a nearby towel around his waist, not hesitating to give two middle fingers to the various cameras he knew were placed around the room. He knew that, in the shower stall alone, there were at least three recording his actions from different angles.

They didn't care, though. They would still take the footage of his shower and slap it up on various websites within the next couple hours. He wondered what the clip would be advertised as—Lonely Boyfriend/Husband? Dejected Lover? Cold Shower? He sighed, and knew there was a possibility that they would keep his "salutes" in the video and advertise him as a Sexy Bad Boy.

Soon Spencer had gotten dressed in form-fitting jeans and a white, hooded long-sleeve shirt. Carelessly, he flung his discarded towel to the bathroom floor before leaving, skin still slightly pink from the hot water. He knew that the footage captured there might be used, too, and advertised as something corny such as, "the sexy pool boy gets changed and leaves quickly as his mistress's husband comes home!"

As he tried to exit the studio, he seemed to be the only one there dressed. Naked men and women approached him and fawned over him, trying to seduce them for their personal needs. "Great work today, Brock," women cooed, while men winked at him and expressed their joy about seeing him tomorrow. However, Spencer did not stop to talk to anyone. He kept walking, and tried to tune out the sets and scenes he was walking past. In just under two minutes he had seen a 'naughty teacher' spank her female 'student' with a whip while a male 'principal' played with himself; a woman in a terrible blonde wig with pigtails be penetrated as she screamed as loud as she could; a woman clamping wooden clothes pins onto the nipples of her male 'slave' in a dungeon-like setting; and two men fucking like animals on only a small mattress, both overacting and panting way more than they should've.

Ever since Spencer had joined this studio just under a year ago, he refused to interact with his co-workers unless absolutely necessary. He hated the business and the idea in general of what he was doing, and regardless of who he talked to there the subject always came up. "Who was your best fuck?" they would ask him, right before a seductive, "I don't think I've gotten into your pants yet." Somehow, they thought they were using good pick-up lines on him. In all reality, though, he thought they were acting like idiots.

Finally reaching the end of the studio, he exited the building and walked for about two blocks or so to the nearest bus stop. It was a chilly night in Seattle, and he used his arms to try and hug himself to stay warm as he arrived at the stop. After reaching for his wallet in his back pocket, he fished around for his bus pass before putting the wallet back, sitting down on a cold bench, and waited.

_ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZBT.  
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZBT._

Spencer jumped in the silence as his phone began to ring, and realized that he needed to take it off of vibrate as soon as he ended this call. Reaching into his front pocket, he tugged out his PearPhone and took a deep breath before answering and putting the phone to his ear.

"Hello? Oh, hey. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, no, don't worry. I'm just about to leave Socko's now, so I'll be home in about twenty minutes. I'll see you soon, Carly."

* * *

To Be Continued…

Next Chapter: Spencer returns home to Carly, who is completely unaware of anything her older brother is doing, and we learn the reasons why Spencer is in this business in the first place.


	2. Clueless, Naïve Teenagers

**iHate Who I've Become  
Chapter 2: Clueless, Naïve Teenagers**

Twenty minutes later, Spencer arrived on the eighth floor of the Plaza via the elevator, and slowly walked to the front door of the apartment he shared with his younger sister. Before going in, he took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair a couple of times, trying to smooth it down.

Turning the door's handle, he walked right in. That was one thing that never changed at the Shay's—the door would almost always be unlocked. The idea in general was probably dangerous, but for some reason no one ever took the half-second it took to lock the door. Lately, though, the paranoia eating away at him had him locking the door every time it was used, and he would yell at Carly later for leaving it unlocked.

"Hey, Spencer!" the trio called to him from upstairs. Freddie had recently installed a sensor on the front door up to the _iCarly _studio where a bell would ding every time someone opened the front door to the apartment. It was very similar to how businesses know if they have a potential customer entering or leaving the building.

"Hey, guys!" Spencer yelled in the direction of the stairs, making a beeline to his bedroom so he could change his clothes. Yes, the clothes he was wearing now were clean, but they still had a faint smell of _that place._ The disgusting place he went a couple times a week for work.

After changing into a yellow T-shirt with a picture of a monkey eating a banana on it and a pair of black sweatpants, he walked back into the main area of the apartment. It was quiet, and he strolled over to one of the stools along the island and logged on to the computer, instantly checking the Internet's history log. After finding nothing out of the ordinary, he logged off and boarded the elevator behind him, heading up to the _iCarly_ studio.

He was welcomed again as he walked to the middle of the studio and flopped down a beanbag. Freddie was messing around with the computer and cameras at his station, while Carly and Sam stood in front of the cart tossing around future show ideas before practicing the opening dialogue for their next show.

Spencer could do nothing but just sit there and watch the kids interact, amazed. He knew that he should probably stop referring to them as kids, though, as they were in high school and constantly surrounded by things that could negatively influence them every day. He feared that one day Carly would come home drunk and addicted to drugs, at the same time pregnant by a man she barely knew in a careless one-night stand. But yet here they were, standing around in his apartment without a care in the world, seemingly so naïve and innocent as they chatted and laughed. Sure, Sam had a bit of a criminal past and still did illegal things on an almost daily basis, but he knew that deep down she was a good kid.

Spencer looked around the studio and saw that, even though they were not filming, all of the lights and other knick knacks around the studio were turned on. Each month the electricity bill was a nightmare, and probably a good 85% of the apartment's electricity was used in this room alone. He just couldn't pay for everything on his own—there were bills for electricity, water, utilities, cell phones, cable, the domain name, his personal internet subscriptions, and more. The bills just didn't seem to ever stop.

Spencer paid a couple hundred dollars in bills a month, and then there was an extra $350 or so spent every other week at the grocery store. He was just buying groceries for his apartment, but extra food was constantly needed since he was usually always feeding two extra mouths besides him and Carly. Then there were the other friends they may bring home or the rare times he brought home a date himself. In any case, the food seemed to be gone before he could even fully stock his pantry.

Of everyone that he feeds on a regular basis, Sam easily eats the most. She will go through about $30-50 worth of food a day, or sometimes within an hour at his house. She gets terribly sick in her stomach if she eats cheap meat, so Spencer always gets the excellent meat with the scary price tag, only because he knows that she doesn't have money of her own, will not get enough food in school, and has a troubled home life. He actually considers her more of another younger sister than just her sister's friend.

Extra money is very hard to come by, especially since Spencer is the only one bringing in income and can barely pay the bills as it is. People still come to him for sculptures, but he only sells about one or two sculptures a month; three if he is lucky. Regardless, the money does not last long—it is gone in the blink of an eye or, more accurately, in the click of a mouse.

Carly never asked Spencer about the bills, and he was too bullheaded to go to their Granddad for help. He used to get money wired to him once a month from his father and Granddad before _iCarly_ started. However, after the incident with the hammers, Granddad stopped sending money out of spite. He just wanted Spencer to admit that he was no longer fit to take care of Carly so he could take her to Yakima with him. And because his father sided with Granddad, Spencer called him up and said that he would be able to take care of Carly completely on his own.

Spencer thought it was in their best interests that they didn't fully know what was going on, anyway. Can you imagine what would happen if they found out that their son and grandson, who was trusted the life of their 15-year-old daughter and granddaughter, was out doing unspeakable, downright disgusting things with strangers all the time on camera for money? They would both deem him an unfit guardian in a millisecond, take Carly away from him, and bring shame to the Shay name.

Spencer just couldn't lose Carly. If she was forcibly taken away, he'd probably go crazy and commit suicide. It sounded downright drastic, and maybe it was, but it's true. She was the one thing on this Earth that reminded him that not everyone and everything was bad.

"Spencer? Spencer!" Carly interrupted his thoughts by kicking his beanbag chair.

Spencer looked around, guessing that he had become lost in his mind for a bit. He made eye contact with his younger sister for the first time in a while, and looked away from her a second later. In just that brief moment, he saw genuine concern in her eyes, and he couldn't take it knowing that she could not fully trust him anymore. She didn't even really know him anymore. "What do you think of our opening bit for next week's show?" she asked.

"It's fine. Funny! Great job!" Spencer tried to sound as happy as he could, when in all reality he did not hear a word of their dialogue at all; he wasn't paying attention. Carly smiled and thanked him, and the beanbag chair squeaked as he adjusted his position so he could stand up. Sam smiled as well, but at the same time hid a smirk; being such an expert liar herself and knowing how terrible Spencer was at lying, she knew that he was simply daydreaming or something.

Freddie was now away from the cart, fiddling with some speaker wires. As Spencer decided to leave the room, he stopped behind the cart and feigned a yawn, then stretched so he could stand there for a couple seconds. No one was paying attention to him, and he took that moment to glance at the Pear computer's screen.

Freddie was in the middle of coding a webpage before he walked away, so a majority of what Spencer saw was just techie mumbo-jumbo. Looking past that to the web browser, he tried to make out some of the tabs that were lining the top of the screen. He didn't know what Freddie was doing, but there were at least twenty different tabs open. Thankfully, none of the web pages or websites sounded familiar, so he walked to the elevator and pressed the down button. As the elevator door opened, he stepped inside and exchanged goodbyes with the trio and told them he was going to bed. As the door closed, he tried not to notice Freddie staring at him with an indescribable expression.

* * *

_So what do you think? Does Freddie know about Spencer's secret? What about Sam? Ideas and reviews are nice!_


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